Merry Christmas, dearest reader, have you been good this year? No? You got presents anyway, yeah? Same. Oh, and if you got the reference in the post's name, then go get yourself a mince pie.
This is a post about the disastrous 'personality-filled' Christmas celebrations in the Louie household (That's right fuckers, it's my household)
Firstly, I had to sleep which is generally a bitch (See this post for more details). But I overcame this obstacle with an enormous dose of cough medicine, about enough to kill a fully grown bull elephant, to be exact. And then awoke at 6:03 am in a pile of wrapping paper, scared, dazed and incredibly confused.
I then proceeded to stare at my iPod timer until the agreed-upon (dictated) time of 7 am when I was allowed to wake up my Mum and then tear apart the living room in a present opening fury.
I unwrapped all my presents in about 30 seconds and the began to feast on the unholy amount of junk-food that 'Santa' had brought me. I was determined to consume more than my body weight in one morning, I completely forgot about the Christmas dinner. The following diagram is best enlarged. (Click to enlarge)
Then came the moment where my Mum placed our new experimentally nuclearly enhanced turkey on the table, it looked delicious... There was just one problem.*
But, being a resilient family who have eaten ASDA Smartprice food before, we managed to overcome the mutant bird and enjoy a relatively normal Christmas dinner.
Then we went to watch the queens speech because she is so important to the country and we really care about what she has to say... Had you going there didn't I? No. We played my Guitar Hero and I rocked out with the best concentration face you'll ever see.
Then my Mum knocked over the new Xbox, and this happened:
My Guitar Hero disk was finally spat from the frothing, flailing Xbox and now looked like a shot-gunned Oreo. I had the game for a grand total of 4 hours before it was nommed.
My sister had received a Tree Frog from Christmas (she did actually want this, we aren't just sadistic present givers) and some dickhead Elf had built the cage with a myriad of holes in which the Frog's dinner (Crickets, eurgh) were rapidly escaping into the living room.
There was much more Christmas cheer to follow, but you don't want to read about Christmas cheer, do you? You want to read about things going horribly wrong, blowing up and removing my limbs, don't you? Well, sorry to disappoint you but I still have all my limbs, I may have a semi-permanent buzz going from the near lethal dose of cough medicine, but my cold is gone.
There was also one present, one marvellous present which stood out from the sea of other less marvellous presents, this present was utterly genius in every possible way. It was...
A Jesus Action figure. Fully pose-able blasphemy with gliding action!
Jesus attempting the Robot.
Religion and Evolution, finally together.
The Third Side of the Story: The only website endorsed by Jesus.
So, I hope you Christmas was as... eventful as mine, I wish you all a happy new year, as I think this will be my last post of 2010! I hope you all keep your new year's resolutions for more than a day, but I doubt any of you will...
*may not have actually happened
